the reluctant lobotomist (fourfreedoms) wrote,
the reluctant lobotomist

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Lauren's Recent History at the Movies

One of the things I find really annoying about New Haven is how hard it is to get to the movies, but I do manage. Sometimes I just have to wait for the DVD. My thoughts, a warning, there might be spoilers.

1. When causeways came to visit we went to see this. We nearly peed ourselves laughing. Ed Harris and Viggo Mortensen are heterosexual life-partners of the wild west. And they're absolutely adorable. If you like seeing movies with the subtext (or really, the text), this one is for you. Unfortunately, Jeremy Irons, who usually kicks ass, mops the floor with it, and then lights it on fire was super lame. He didn't start out that way. I kept waiting for the psycho shit to break out, but no cigar. Lost points for that. However, causeways has intimated that she wants to write me fic, so hopefully I'll be able to drag that out of her some day.

2. Not only was this movie clearly just a vehicle for the sequel in which something might ACTUALLY happen, the best part of this movie happened during a shoot out in a crowded office when the sprinklers went off and a woman in high heels went sliding across the floor running and slammed into a desk. Best part? She was at the very side of the frame. What a fucking disaster. Mark Wahlberg acted like a psycho, Amaury Nolasco wasn't psycho enough for the psycho he played, and Beau Bridges needs some tips from his brother on the villainy front. However, there were some really awesome tattoos, Castiel is probably hiding some of these tattoos under that tan trench coat.

3. There's a lot I'm willing to suffer for Paul Walker. A lot. I have a type, Paul Walker, Hayden Christensen, Cam Gigandet--lanky pretty boys. And this type allows me to overlook a lot. But whoo, this movie was boring. It was VERY bizarre too, I couldn't quite tell if there was some political agenda about the death penalty, or if just felt that way because the movie was badly done. The best character as a shepherd mix dog. Yes. I'm not kidding. Although Paul Walker with black leather gloves on, picking locks and cracking safes--HOT. I was amused that they were like, CUT THOSE BLOND CURLS OFF AND GIVE HIM CHARLES MANSON FACIAL HAIR, NO ONE WILL NOTICE HOW PRETTY HE IS THEN! Fail.

4. I read an article that claimed Corey Haim hated this. I would've been worried if he didn't. The aesthetics were tired. It looked like a mid-90s film to be honest, complete with costuming and skateboards. The acting was clunky and the people weren't so attractive that you were too busy staring at their rockhard abs to notice. But that hardly mattered because this script was a disaster. Clearly aware of all the homoeroticism of the previous title, they made DAMN sure to keep it out in this one. Unfortunately it just seemed silly.

I nearly died of laughter when the poor hipster kid got chased around the abandoned warehouse by the "hardcore" surfer boys. It smacked of contempt that the film had no right to express. Also, in the original Lost Boys they figured out that garlic had no effect on vampires. I'm not sure why suddenly Edgar Frog forgot that and was once again lobbing garlic around. I hate it when movie sequels also don't reference what happens in the past, especially when they have characters in common. FAIL ALL AROUND.

5. I have no words for this movie. It was that brilliant. This movie made my Halloween. There was literally not a single wasted moment, and let me tell you, if you want to see movies with the gay, fuck Appaloosa, Rocknrolla was perfectly happy to say, FUCK YOU, SUBTEXT, I'm making it quite plain. As I told causeways, I'm pretty sure that Guy Ritchie said to himself HMM, THIS SLASH FICTION PHENOMENA INTERESTS ME. I CAN EXPLOIT THIS. Maybe he was also like, "Fuck you, Madge, I can be more homosexual than you."

Subtext aside, everybody in this movie was perfect. Even if Misha complained bitterly that all of the Russians were played by not actual Russians (one was a Czech, one was a Serb, one was Polish, and who fucking knows about the rest), she had to admit that there wasn't anybody better for the part. If you liked Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, I swear this movie is for you.
Tags: appaloosa, max payne, rocknrolla, the lazarus project, the lost boys: the tribe
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