This mix was inspired by another one of those "put iTunes on random and interpret what comes up". I, being the shameless thief that I am, totally zoinked it from sharpscissors. This particular brand of iTunes survey is: if Lauren's life were a movie. Let me rephrase, if Lauren's life was the next B-movie of doom. And then I went crazy and decided to make it into a mix. Let me find some pot to bang my head with. I meant an actual physical pot. Not marijuana.
OPENING CREDITS: The Golden Path - The Chemical Brothers
Such an opening credits song. It would probably be a shot of just someone’s (well mine, because it’s my movie) legs walking through a building with text appearing over it. Or maybe I would be biking or something--and then falling off or running into a pole when the really hot jogger comes streaking by.
WAKING UP: Velvet Goldmine – David Bowie
Oh jeeze, I guess in my movie I have running eye-make up, crazy died hair, and glittery pleather skirts. Because seriously this is the only way this song would work with me and going through my morning ablutions.
FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL: Downtown – Tegan and Sara
I have a feeling that on this first day of school of my movie (which is turning into a total teen-drama I can already tell) I have some tragic unrequited love for a hipster teen with really awesome band shirts and a firm love of pretentious photography.
FALLING IN LOVE: Say Something New - The Concretes
So...basically I fall in love with someone who is a complete poser loser? This is disappointing. Pretentious hipster boy sounded so much better. I suppose now that I’ve written this out, it’s too late to hit skip.
FIGHT SONG: Caught By The River – Doves
This clearly is going to be a very interesting fight. Actually I can sort of see this working. It would definitely be between two jerks on the soccer team (because soccer boys are hotter than football boys) and they’d be grappling on the floor and then suddenly making out. And um, I would be there laughing? And throwing food? And this is related to my life how? Maybe I’m friends with one of the asshole soccer boys? No, he would totally be my boyfriend, because it would be just my life to be stuck with a GAY soccer boyfriend. Seriously. Okay, let’s face it, this clearly would not make a great fight song, EVER. It’s too sunshine and running in slow motion and holding hands and looking at the view from the mountain tops. Itunes, clearly you suck balls at this soundtrack business.
BREAKING UP: Heysatan – Sigur Ros
My soccer boyfriend has just admitted to being gay--well not so much admitted as I watched him roll around on the floor with another dude, clearly he can’t deny it. I have a feeling this actually would make a good break up song. Even if, in my case, it would be more along the lines of: “I’ll go my way, you go yours. Um, I’ll totally still be your fag hag, though.” Seriously, I’m such a loser. I mean in real life.
PROM: Twilight – Electric Light Orchestra
Obviously me and my other awesomely make-up caked friends ditched prom and took a limo to New York city (magically arrived in 2 seconds) and then went ogling the city lights like crazy. We're hicks that way.
LIFE: Lollipop – Mika
What? Does that mean that the purpose of my existence is for blowjobs? I suppose the entire point of this song is don’t be a bore/whore and you will be happy. Well, that’s just great. I suppose the glitter-pleather skirts totally foreshadowed this. I can totally see myself walking the Las Vegas strip hawking myself and falling in puddles and it being completely tragic in a totally hilarious way.
MENTAL BREAKDOWN: Only Happy When it Rains – Garbage
Well yeah, as I’m a prostitute who lives to give blowjobs, I think mental breakdown is inevitable. It’s almost too perfect that this is the song that came up, iTunes, you omniscient creature you. I guess I’ll probably wind up trashing my apartment in a fit of meth induced rage.
DRIVING: You Raise Me Up – Josh Groban
I will find redemption in my car? You know, I think I would watch this movie. It’s too ridiculous for words. Maybe I shall pitch this in my scriptwriting class. Girl becomes prostitute and finds solace in her car, next step--AWESOME RACE CAR DRIVER OF DOOM. Or more likely, with this song in the background, I will found a religion that somehow revolves around cars. Hey, if L. Ron Hubbard can make a religion about aliens I can do it about cars.
FLASHBACK: Number One – Chaz Jankle
I’m clearly a huge cheater. "Number One" was written expressly for Real Genius, it’s just not fair if I use it too. Well, whatever, I guess I’m having a flashback to like kindergarten when I, that is to say my movie-self, was actually good at school. Because if pleather mini-skirt was already around in high school, I definitely started early. “I’m a man in the making,” eh? I guess I had aspirations of cross-dressing as a little tyke. Dude, this song goes on forever, the flashback is going to be the majority of the movie at this rate!
WEDDING: Still Standing – Brian Eno
Are you shitting me? Was I like forced into marriage or something? I mean “Stay away from me/wanna keep my conscious clean”—clearly not a happy marriage. I’m guessing after the guests have left we’re going to duke it out Samurai style. What a surprising new turn this movie takes.
BIRTH OF CHILD: You Wouldn’t Like Me – Tegan and Sara
Um, is this expressing the child’s point-of-view or mine? Because I would not exactly be surprised if my religion-creating-husband-battling-mini-s
FINAL BATTLE: Do The Strand – Roxy Music
Are you kidding me? Does this mean my final battle is a dance off? Or are we actually going to have a sword fight to "Do The Strand"? I mean, that would be kind of amazing. Maybe we could shoot at each other while jigging around a ballroom.
DEATH SCENE: One – Aimee Mann
I guess I lost the jig of death. So sad. There must be somebody I’m leaving behind who actually will be bothered by my death. Aimee Mann clearly says so. I’m not sure how or why there is such a someone at this point in my character-arc. Maybe I was just that good at blow jobs.
FUNERAL SONG: Mechanical Animals – Marilyn Manson
Wow...Um...Wow. I guess I have a friend who dabbles in the fine art of necromancing or something. Or maybe I was so awful that the local Satanists decided to come dance upon my grave and try and open the gates of hell with my poor corpsified body. How many genres are we dealing with now?
END CREDITS: White Flag – Dido
Well, that’s kind of anticlimactic. I was totally expecting “Hallelujah” by Rufus Wainwright in celebration of how the damn movie is finally over. I am disappointed. I guess I never really got over my gay soccer boy and despite my marriage, kids, and a dance off, my thoughts still returned to him at the end of the movie. After I was already dead. Oh soccer boys, why must you break my heart.
Thoughts: I bet at the end of this movie it was actually revealed to be a drug trip by some old man in New Jersey all by himself, who totally just dreamed he was me doing crazy things. That’s the only thing that can explain the hijinks in this. And it totally also explains why in my flashback I’m a guy. Or whatever. I don’t get this movie at all.
And I don't think I've ever laughed so hard in my entire life, SO YOU MUST ALL READ IT IN ITS ENTIRETY. THAT'S RIGHT, SCROLL BACK UP.