the reluctant lobotomist (fourfreedoms) wrote,
the reluctant lobotomist

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Telling this to go away is like telling the stars to stop shining

I'm tired, you guys. I'm so tired. I'm frustrated with everything and disappointed in myself. I gained a lot of weight in college, as my mother must perrenially remind me. I've started running again now that I'm home and don't have to worry about getting mugged at gun point, but it's not like it's all melting off. The minute I start freaking out about my appearance, it's like all the other shit comes creeping in.

I'm frustrated and disappointed with my writing and my school work and my decisions. I'm sitting here plagued by doubts. About everything. I'm a walking conflicted-doubt machine person. I'm torn between thinking "I AM WONDERFUL, WHERE ARE MY ACOLYTES?" and "I hate myself and I shall amount to shredded paper for the rest of my life." I think it's time they come up with a new disorder--manic narcissism or something.

So what do I do, guys? The obvious solution would be to smoke so much pot I simply don't care about ANYTHING other than my next toke, but then I would probably become more rotund rather than less. And I'd probably have a paranoid schizoid episode and even THAT would be spoiled.

I'm just so lonely. Even when I'm with friends. I want to feel wanted for something, like I'm doing something right, rather than the constant litany of why aren't I good enough?
Tags: impotence, rantage
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